Dreams

I feel it appropriate to start where I left off on this family blog.  This is my life.  We all have dreams.  That picture in our heads of what our lives will be like and all the things we are going to accomplish.  Then Life happens.  I was born and raised in the LDS church so, my picture included marrying in the Temple and having children.  Staying home and raising my children.  The whole nine yards.  What I came to realize is my husband and I were not on the same page.  In many ways.  I did get married in the Temple and I had four beautiful children.  But I sacrificed my original dream.  I don't regret my family.  I do regret not pursuing my dreams more.

For me I saw myself marrying in my church.  My faith was very strong.  I had grown up in an alcoholic home.  Full of fighting, negativity and feeling no control.  I thank my mother for taking me and my 3 brothers to church.  My Dad wasn't a member of my church and he had no interest in religion.  Since I was the only girl he would come to the Daddy/Daughter activities.  But that was about the extent of his relationship with me growing up.  My parents divorced when I was 14.  That was the beginning of severe depression/anxiety for me.  Looking back I see I suffered from episodes of this during a lot of my childhood.  This monkey on my back has torn holes in my life for as long as I can remember.  I fight with my brain everyday.  I take medication to not become distant, comatose or suicidal.  It is excruciating at times.  I'm told it's hereditary and I was born with a predisposition to it.  I guess we all have a cross to bear and this is mine.

I've been separated from my husband for 3 years.  My dreams are still there.  I have started a healing process from mourning the loss of my marriage and original dream.  It's very complicated and I'm just starting to feel some traction under my feet.  46 and single is not where I envisioned myself 25 years ago.  The decisions I've made have brought me where I'm at today.  I can't fake who I am.  I like me.  I think I'm hilarious.  I know I'm a great friend and a compassionate person.  My posts are about real feelings and my growth.  I hope those who may read my words can take comfort in knowing living in your skin and accepting yourself takes a lifetime.  We are constantly changing.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God love us and wants us to succeed and be happy.