Some days I feel like I'm moving inch by inch. Trying to take everyday methodically. Not getting too far ahead of myself as to become overwhelmed. Something I have learned over the years is that I am always being tested as far as my patience and obedience. You know, you want your end result NOW. Faith come in when that end result is not for us to know. Only in due time. Uggg...... Why??? Am I right? Well, what would be the point then if we knew everything ahead of time? So, I have always leaned on my Heavenly Father to guide me. I'm not a perfect church goer who has held all the instrumental callings and immersed myself into church 24/7. I do have my feet planted firmly though in the direction of God. I stopped feeling guilty or the pressures of perfection a long time ago. Age tends to do that to ya. Thank goodness.
I have ideas and good intentions all the time swarming around in my head. It's getting my darn brain to kick my butt in gear. I feel so blessed all the time though. Grateful for the small things. Which really are big things if you look at it closer. Like my kids. They are huge in my life. I'm a hugger and love to have the kids all around me. Snuggle. Or just be in the same place. Hearing my 23yr old and 16yr old laugh while watching TV makes my heart so happy. The bustle of movement in the kitchen. Living in an apartment you hear a lot when your bedroom wall backs up to the living room. I'm not emotionally ready to be all alone. They keep me going in so many ways. I have faith that soon I will achieve the goals I have set for myself. Be the rock for my kids. Their Beacon of Light.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Dreams
I feel it appropriate to start where I left off on this family blog. This is my life. We all have dreams. That picture in our heads of what our lives will be like and all the things we are going to accomplish. Then Life happens. I was born and raised in the LDS church so, my picture included marrying in the Temple and having children. Staying home and raising my children. The whole nine yards. What I came to realize is my husband and I were not on the same page. In many ways. I did get married in the Temple and I had four beautiful children. But I sacrificed my original dream. I don't regret my family. I do regret not pursuing my dreams more.
For me I saw myself marrying in my church. My faith was very strong. I had grown up in an alcoholic home. Full of fighting, negativity and feeling no control. I thank my mother for taking me and my 3 brothers to church. My Dad wasn't a member of my church and he had no interest in religion. Since I was the only girl he would come to the Daddy/Daughter activities. But that was about the extent of his relationship with me growing up. My parents divorced when I was 14. That was the beginning of severe depression/anxiety for me. Looking back I see I suffered from episodes of this during a lot of my childhood. This monkey on my back has torn holes in my life for as long as I can remember. I fight with my brain everyday. I take medication to not become distant, comatose or suicidal. It is excruciating at times. I'm told it's hereditary and I was born with a predisposition to it. I guess we all have a cross to bear and this is mine.
I've been separated from my husband for 3 years. My dreams are still there. I have started a healing process from mourning the loss of my marriage and original dream. It's very complicated and I'm just starting to feel some traction under my feet. 46 and single is not where I envisioned myself 25 years ago. The decisions I've made have brought me where I'm at today. I can't fake who I am. I like me. I think I'm hilarious. I know I'm a great friend and a compassionate person. My posts are about real feelings and my growth. I hope those who may read my words can take comfort in knowing living in your skin and accepting yourself takes a lifetime. We are constantly changing. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God love us and wants us to succeed and be happy.
For me I saw myself marrying in my church. My faith was very strong. I had grown up in an alcoholic home. Full of fighting, negativity and feeling no control. I thank my mother for taking me and my 3 brothers to church. My Dad wasn't a member of my church and he had no interest in religion. Since I was the only girl he would come to the Daddy/Daughter activities. But that was about the extent of his relationship with me growing up. My parents divorced when I was 14. That was the beginning of severe depression/anxiety for me. Looking back I see I suffered from episodes of this during a lot of my childhood. This monkey on my back has torn holes in my life for as long as I can remember. I fight with my brain everyday. I take medication to not become distant, comatose or suicidal. It is excruciating at times. I'm told it's hereditary and I was born with a predisposition to it. I guess we all have a cross to bear and this is mine.
I've been separated from my husband for 3 years. My dreams are still there. I have started a healing process from mourning the loss of my marriage and original dream. It's very complicated and I'm just starting to feel some traction under my feet. 46 and single is not where I envisioned myself 25 years ago. The decisions I've made have brought me where I'm at today. I can't fake who I am. I like me. I think I'm hilarious. I know I'm a great friend and a compassionate person. My posts are about real feelings and my growth. I hope those who may read my words can take comfort in knowing living in your skin and accepting yourself takes a lifetime. We are constantly changing. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God love us and wants us to succeed and be happy.
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